"If I Only Had A Life", Mark Belanger
(Parody of "If I Only Had A Brain") © 2002

I'd be charming, I'd be witty
I wouldn't feel so shitty
If I only had a life

And I'd never drink to excess
Cause my life is such a success
If I only had a life

I would bore my friends for hours
Reflecting on my powers
To make financial gain

And my credit would be golden
I would buy a house in Holden!
If I only had a life

And so, you see it's true
I'd have so much to do
No time for scum like you
I'd be a hit -- I'd take no shit!

Oh, my phone would not stop ringing
My praises you'd be singing
If I only had a life

And I'd be so patronizing
To the folks I'm supervising
If I only had a life

Additional verse:

I would win each argument
I would never sweat the rent
If I only had a life

I would ponder my prospectus
I'd go out and lease a Lexus
If I only had a life